This Was a Triumph! The Ultimate Portal Bedroom

Author’s Note: This article first appeared five years ago in celebration of my son’s 13th birthday. As he just graduated high school, I felt it was worth reliving the experience.

“Hello, and, again, welcome to the Aperture Science Computer-Aided Enrichment Center. We hope your brief detention in the relaxation vault has been a pleasant one. Your specimen has been processed, and we are now ready to begin the test proper. Before we start, however, keep in mind that, although fun and learning are the primary goals of Enrichment Center activities, serious injuries may occur. For your own safety, and the safety of others, please refrain from [static and garbled text]. Stand back. The portal will open in 3, 2, 1…”

Thus begins one of the greatest video games of all time. Portal, and its successor Portal 2, took the brilliantly simple concept of a portal gun, combined it with a fantastic storyline that included a sadistic but hilarious antagonist, and created a game that is just as replayable today as it was eight years ago. It was no surprise that my video game obsessed son took to it like a Cheep Cheep to water.

Years after that first test chamber, he is still a huge fan and has amassed an impressive collection of t-shirts, toys, and collectibles based on the characters and story. So when it came time to remodel his room for his 13th birthday, and he asked for a Portal room, my wife and I wanted to make sure it was something worthy of one of Aperture Laboratories’ finest young test subjects.

If you don’t care how or why I did any of this, and you just want the pretty pictures, there’s a gallery at the bottom. And cake.

The Demolition

The first step was getting rid of his existing furniture that my dad and I built 15 years ago. We tried to figure out a way to repurpose it, but it just wasn’t going to work for what we wanted. Because I needed another emotional punch to the gut aside from the realization that my baby boy was a teenager.

What? Oh, no, I must have just gotten some sawdust in my eyes.

Gathering Our Supplies

The Walls

The walls were a deep blue, which, while perfect for a Super Mario Bros. theme, was going to show through the light gray paint we picked, so the first step was to primer everything.

A note about picking paint colors: Why is it that the paint industry hasn’t discovered hexadecimal color codes? Literally no store I went to could do anything with the colors I pulled directly from the game. Luckily, I was able to find a site called EasyRGB that would take a hex code and show you closely matching colors from major paint manufacturers.

That is some persistent blue. Another coat took care of it.

Next, we taped off the lines for the seams where the “panels” would meet. I spent a little extra for “Frog Tape,” which is supposed to provide a tighter seal and prevent paint seeping underneath. If you have a textured wall, don’t bother. I smashed that stuff down like Wheatley smashing steel plates together, and it still seeped through. Thankfully, the roughness added to the look, so I didn’t have to go through and touch them all up freehand.

Speaking of freehand, here I am painting the circles to represent the lights for the door triggers – all 255 of them.

Party Time

What better way to celebrate the birthday of a video game fan than a day at the arcade? The Penny Arcade in Manitou Springs is packed full of vintage video games, most of them still only a quarter (and some real oldies that are a dime or a nickel). If you’re ever in the area, it’s worth a few hours of your time just for sentimental value. Here I am schooling the younglings on Galaga.

High Score! Yes, I know the place has only been open 30 minutes. Just let me have this one, ok?!

The Absolutely Wrong Way to Paint Finished Furniture

When it came time to paint the furniture, I completely bought into the hype from the person working the paint counter. (“It’s primer and paint in one! You don’t even need to primer!”) This is a lie. A terrible, terrible lie. Even after three coats, the paint would peel off if you looked at it crossly.

Faced with the prospect of stripping all of the paint back off, we decided to give polycrylic a try. Similar to urethane, it dries to a super clear finish and is supposed to be good for protecting painted surfaces. While I’m sure it works fantastic in most applications, because of the fact that we were covering over what was essentially three coats of paint on top of a glass finish, we still had chip after chip we had to touch up and cover over again. And again.

If you ever plan to paint furniture that is already finished with a glossy finish, do yourself a favor and sand that sucker down, then tell the paint counter dude he’s full of what makes the grass grow green and buy a good primer.

If you look closely, you can catch the last vestiges of my wife’s sanity slowly slip away as she touches up yet another chip.

The Details

The heavy lifting was finally over, and it was time for the fun stuff. I used a projector and a screenshot from the game to get a rough sketch of the doors for the closet, then finished it with a makeshift compass from some string and a pencil stub. For the signs around the door, I freehanded the check and “X” and used this old hack to make my own carbon paper for the exit sign: print out the photo you want to transfer, and then, with a pencil, scribble all over the back where the image is (it helps to hold it against a window or other bright surface). Once your image is completely covered, place it scribble side down where you want to transfer, and trace the printed image.

Back in my day, we didn’t have fancy carbon paper… oh, wait. Yeah we did. Never mind.

And because it just wouldn’t be a Portal room otherwise, if you crawl underneath the desk and look up, you are greeted with this startling revelation:

…it’s so delicious and moist.

Lighting

“The Enrichment Centre promises to always provide a safe testing environment. In dangerous testing environments the Enrichment Centre promises to always provide useful advice. For instance, anything you read in this section is not to be considered useful advice, or even a suggestion. Performing any of the tasks described below may be a violation of state or federal laws, building codes, or international treaties. Failing to heed this advice may void your warranty, insurance policy, or life.”

Not being huge fans of the emergency room, after deciding on a loft bed, we needed to remove the ceiling fan. I chose to replace it with a three-bulb fixture in which I could install WiFi LED bulbs. Controlled by your smartphone, you can customize them individually or as a group. With the ability to assign colors, create your own transitions, or sync the lights to your music, they are perfect for creating that Aperture Laboratories atmosphere.

Finally, the piece de resistance! Using two oval mirrors and some rope lights from Home Depot, I gave my son his very own Portals!

“Warning: Portals are just an illusion. Any head injuries sustained while attempting to dive through illusory portals should be reported to testing personnel immediately.”

Hot gluing rope lights to the back of a mirror? Almost assuredly a warranty voiding activity, but still pretty freaking sweet.

The Gallery

I’m making a note here: huge success!

To ensure the safe performance of all authorized activities, do not destroy vital testing apparatus.

Science isn’t about why, it’s about why not.

This next test may involve trace amounts of time travel. So, word of advice: If you meet yourself on the testing track, don’t make eye contact.

Ground up moon rocks are pure poison. Still, it turns out they’re a great portal conductor.

Are you still there?

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Hope that didn’t disturb you too much there. It was the sound of books. Pages being turned. So that’s just what I was doing. Just reading, uh… books. So, not a moron!

The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Companion Cube will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak. In the event that the Companion Cube does speak, the Enrichment Center urges you to disregard its advice.

I don’t hate you.

Ahhh! Space! Let go! We’re in space!

Oh, hi. So, how are you holding up? Because I’m a potato!

Spectacular. You appear to understand how a portal affects forward momentum, or to be more precise, how it does not. Momentum, a function of mass and velocity, is conserved between portals. In layman’s terms: speedy thing goes in, speedy thing comes out.

Please note that any appearance of danger is merely a device to enhance your testing experience.

The Enrichment Center regrets to inform you that this next test is impossible. Make no attempt to solve it.

Congratulations. The test is now over. All Aperture technologies remain safely operational up to 4000 degrees Kelvin. Rest assured that there is absolutely no chance of a dangerous equipment malfunction prior to your victory candescence.

Okay. The test is over now. You win. Go back to the recovery annex. For your cake.

Oh, and I believe I promised you cake:

Rope lights and mirrors were provided by Home Depot. Portal bookends, companion cube rug, turret wall decal, and desktop turret were provided by ThinkGeek.