Guess which one is more fun. Go on. (Photo: IDW)

Well, the day I thought would never come is here. I put down a Transformers comic and have no intention of picking it back up.

I’ve been worried about this scenario ever since Hasbro announced its plans to make a shared fictional universe. It takes a deft hand to merge half a dozen disparate toy lines into one cohesive story. Transformers and G.I. Joe have been crossing over since the ’80s, but Visionaries? ROM the Space Knight? Action Man? The more characters, the more realities you layer, the harder it gets to maintain any semblance of story. Eventually, you’re just naming characters and concepts to meet a spreadsheet quota.

We came here to chew bubble gum and walk slowly away from explosions… (Photo: IDW)

Scarlett’s Strike Force is an example of how to do things right. Drawing from G.I. Joe, Transformers, and M.A.S.K., it’s a completely gonzo tale along the lines of Scioli and Barber’s recent Transformers vs. G.I. Joe series. Tucking in to this volume I feel like a kid again, coming home after school, ripping open a bag of chips, and turning on cartoons. Part of that is the “ripped from the ’80s” set pieces – there are giant combining cobra mechs, dinosaurs, mutated extra-dimensional soldiers, ninjas, Globulus(!)…and that’s not even everything. It’s a comic that never forgets to take itself less than seriously and have fun.

That feeling is backed up by the regular humorous interplay between characters as Cobra villains bicker about the true nature of dinosaurs (birds or lizards?) and Shipwreck whines to Roadblock about his weight (Polly want an ab roller?). It’s a crossover, sure, but one where the characters feel natural interacting with each other. Even Thundercracker, the token Transformer, feels like he fits and is given ample enough story that he doesn’t feel shoehorned into the plot.

Baroness as Cobra Commander is a delight as well (even if some of her poses defy the basic human physiology), practically ready to literally chew the scenery whenever she’s on page. From the first page, you’ve just got to grab the bar, strap in, and ride the ride, hoping you don’t black out along the way.

Using the old toy packaging art as the background made my heart skip a beat. (Photo: IDW)

The plot is almost secondary, but in the best possible way. Strike Force is not a book that gets bogged down by its own circumstances. So when there are radical shifts, like ending up on a dinosaur-infested island, you barely blink. Then the cavemen show up. And the mind control devices. And the mutated snake cultists. And the ninjas. And somehow, somehow, it still all works.

My talking heads, let me show you them (Photo: IDW)

And then there’s Optimus Prime. It’s overarching story of intergalactic peace has been clunking along since the first volume and the addition of seemingly every other property in the Hasbro stable hasn’t helped. Unlike Scarlett’s Strike Force, instead of interacting naturally, every character seems to have their own solo storyline. Everyone else is just observing it, waiting for their turn to talk about their own, much more important, story.

This is evident from page 1 (which nearly had me pull the ripcord right then and there). It’s a staid six panel…interview? Optimus Prime and Marisa Fairborn talk about why they’re leaders and what’s driving them. There seems to be no acknowledgement or building upon what the other one is saying, so it’s just the two leaders monologuing at the reader.

You may ask yourself, how did I get here? (Photo: IDW)

Six panels of talking heads droning on about philosophical considerations, with no context and zero interaction is not character building (Bendis this is not). It also has absolutely nothing to do with the very next page in which Optimus is getting annoyed with the lack of progress Centurion/Power Man is making with his memory (despite the fact that he’s a cybernetic human mind forced into an amnesiac Transformer). Meanwhile, G.B. Blackrock who once tried to wipe out all Transformers now is one and apparently has the ear of Prime.

How disjointed is this series? So much so that what should be the biggest development in the entire comic to this point, Earth invading Cybertron, is seemingly squashed and wrapped up off page while we’re mucking around with Optimus Prime’s followers that are stuck on Earth. We get full page spreads of carnage, another comic’s worth of unrelated development around characters we can barely identify, and then a quiet shot of Optimus at a funeral (for Sideswipe, who died in Volume 1). Granted the last bit is the Optimus Prime annual included in the TPB, but the story was already so scattered, it barely registered.

It couldn’t hold my attention (and I’m the guy who names all his network hardware after Soundwave’s cassetticons) and didn’t make me want to keep reading. With completely different creative teams handling the Cybertron and Earth stories, the jumbled plot is even more pronounced. The Earth plotline is full of characters that only whine about Optimus Prime (they all fail the Bechdel Test, but for Cybertronians) and unsuccessfully try to get the Space Bridge functional. The Cybertron story ends up being Prime lamenting about the choices he’s made, until the Hasbro Unified IP Spreadsheet dictates we need to have a page about someone from another property to inch their story forward.

Right now, I consider Optimus Prime to be the “B” book when it comes to IDW Transformers lore (the “A” goes to the always-reliable, always-fun Lost Light). I’ll skim through the rest of Volume 3, eventually, just so I can catch any big story beats that pop up. But this is no Robots in Disguise. Considering that the Unicron event is right around the corner (and with him, the end of the IDW Transformers universe), this book has some heavy lifting to do. They need to shore up the foundation if they’re going to do that story justice.

If you’re looking for a character-rich Transformers story, stick with Lost Light (or the Wreckers TPB that just came out if you’re feeling sadistic). If you want to recreate the feeling of playing with your action figures in front of Saturday morning cartoons, pick up Scarlett’s Strike Force. As far as Optimus Prime goes…check TFwiki.net to get the main plot points, but it’s ultimately not worth the effort.