There are certain sci-fi franchises that I will love no matter what. No matter how cheesy, no matter how over-the-top, no matter how… bad they get, they’ll still find a welcome place in my nerdy heart. Planet of the Apes and Aliens are two that jump right to the top.

Both franchises have seen some absolutely GREAT stories. Both have also seen some… less than great stories. And, to be fair, that’s kind of to be expected since both have seen a LOT of stories told within their respective “expanded universes.”

Aliens, though, is one that kind of blows my mind. In the 40 years since Ridley Scott’s Alien hit theaters, the Xenomorphs have never gone away. In fact, they seem just as popular as ever. In films, books, comics, and video games, those perfect killing machines have killed JUST. SO. MANY. colonial marines, Weyland-Yutani scientists, and innocent civilians.

And no one ever seems to learn.

So few of the Aliens stories told over the years stray from the template of (1) someone discovers something, (2) grunts go in, (3) Xenomorphs appear, (4) scientists/grunts investigate, (5) everyone dies.

Listen, I get that this is a horror franchise composed of what are essentially slasher movies. And I get that “expanded universe” stories tend to bend (if not break) the rules a bit.

But how on god’s green earth are we expected to believe that Weyland-Yutani became such an all-encompassing, powerful mega-company when they’ve proven themselves to be utterly incapable of learning even the most basic lessons?

Weyland-Yutani is evil. Sure, OK. Human life is expendable to them. Yep. All they want is a living Xenomorph for their labs. Gotcha.

So why has it taken then literally hundreds of years to capture one? Why do they continue to send in colonial marines with the SAME useless weapons? With unlimited money at their disposal, why haven’t they invented a weapon or trapping device that actually works? Why is it that EVERY TIME they encounter the Xenomorphs, NO ONE knows about the acid blood or facehuggers?

Sigh. But I digress.

I’m here today to talk about the trilogy of Audible Original productions that are officially recognized as “canon” in the Aliens universe. All three are full-cast dramatizations (i.e., not narrated audiobooks) directed by Dirk Maggs, who has had a hand in dramatizing plenty of geek properties – most notably the third through sixth series of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy radio plays.

Each of these stories is meant to stand alone, but they also each tie together – and with the first two films – in integral ways. And since these are full dramatizations, we’re also graced with creepy mood-setting music, in-world sound effects, and plenty of splooshy chestbursts and Xenomorph screams.

Surprisingly, each is wholly unique and unlike the others. And they’re all worth your time if you’re a fan of the franchise. But trust me, you’ll want your headphones for these.

Out of the Shadows

I’m just going to get this out of the way and say that, of these three, Out of the Shadows (4 1/2 hours; based on the novel by Tim Lebbon) is the best listen and most worth your time. Set between Alien and Aliens, the story follows Ellen Ripley after she’s awoken from hypersleep to find a mining colony on LV-178 dealing with a Xenomorph outbreak. Shocker, I know.

But wait, you say, how can Ripley have had an entire other experience before Aliens but still wake up at the beginning of that film without knowing about it? Oh, sweet summer child.

I’ll admit that Lebbon managed some storytelling gymnastics toward the end of Out of the Shadows so it can still lead into Aliens, but it mostly works. The story that’s told here, though, is surprisingly engaging despite knowing that Ripley will invariably survive.

The action is mostly split between the orbiting mining ship Marion and deep underground in the maze of mine shafts on LV-178. Xenomorphs are everywhere.

As is Ash. Remember Ash? The killer android who was secretly working for the company in Alien? Well, he apparently uploaded his consciousness into Ripley’s escape shuttle, Narcissus, before the Nostromo blew up. Played to evil perfection by Rutger Hauer, Ash is the true menace of this story, willing to do anything to carry out Special Order 937 (retrieve an alien specimen for the company). Ash essentially becomes a killer computer virus that is EVERYWHERE and just as deadly as the Xenomorphs.

Poor Ripley. She can’t catch a break. And speaking of Ripley, Laurel Lefkow delivers a flawless performance that you’ll quickly forget isn’t actually Sigourney Weaver. She’s incredible and worth the price of admission alone. You’d be forgiven for believing that someone at Audible invented a time machine and kidnapped Weaver from 1984 to play this role.

River of Pain

Christopher Golden’s book takes its name from the English translation of Acheron, the name given to LV-426 – the planet at the center of both Alien and Aliens. River of Pain (about 5 hours) is essentially a prequel to Aliens, telling the story of the colony that existed on LV-426 (Hadley’s Hope) and focusing on Newt and her family.

The first facehugger doesn’t even show up until almost 2/3 of the way through this one, so a majority of the story is about life in the colony; the three-way politics among the colonists, marines, and scientists; and Newt’s family drama.

Scenes of Ripley (again played to perfection by Laurel Lefkow) and Burke from Aliens are interspersed throughout to ground you and show how the events play out over a familiar timeline. River or Pain is less slasher and more thriller since you KNOW it’s just a matter of time before the entire colony falls to the Xenomorphs. It’s jut a matter of when… and how.

The cast is mostly excellent. Alexander Siddig (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) is exquisite as an evil Weyland-Yutani scientist. And the rest of the cast really brings the doomed colony to life.

Together with Out of the Shadows and the first two films, River of Pain rounds out Ripley’s story. And it will give you an entirely new insight into the overwhelming tragedy of Newt’s life.

Sea of Sorrows

Set some 300 years after the first two books, Sea of Sorrows (5 hours; based on James A. Moore’s book) is more or less a direct sequel to Out of the Shadows. And it’s here that my diatribe against Weyland-Yutani from up top comes into play. In three centuries, the company hasn’t learned a damn thing.

Obviously, Ripley isn’t in this one as a character, but she still casts a long shadow over everything. In a sense, she’s still the catalyst for everything that happens.

We’re back on LV-178 (now called New Galveston) where terraformers and archaeologists are digging up the remains of the mine where the Xenomorphs took out so many people 300 years before. Except this time, we’ve got an empath in the crew who’s Ripley’s descendant and can “feel” the aliens.

Sea of Sorrows is the most by-the-numbers Aliens slasher story of this trilogy. Discovery made, grunts go in, many deaths ensue. There’s a neat subplot where they discover the Marion‘s wreckage from Out of the Shadows and resurrect the malevolent Ash AI that took over everything, and if you enjoyed Out of the Shadows, you’ll enjoy seeing new events play out in the same setting.

But goddamn if the whole “It has acid for blood!” and “Are those eggs?” discoveries don’t get old.

In keeping with the first two books, though, the human villain is the highlight of this production. Stockard Channing plays the ruthless, IDGAF Weyland-Yutani representative who will (verbally) cut down anyone or anything in her way. She is the audio equivalent of *chef’s kiss.*