There’s something amazing about huge, unwieldy movie franchises. Series that go north of five or six installments have staying power, even if they abandon all pretense of having “canon,” story continuity, or logic. Each has a certain something that helps it stand out and sustain so many films over so many years.

In the spirit of the season, we’re going back and taking a look at the ridiculously strong Halloween franchise that survived 11 movies, 40 years, 5 reboots/separate timelines, and more “dead” Michael Myerseses than you can count.

I’m joined by Shiri Sondheimer to watch all 11 films in the franchise. Neither of us has seen them before, and we watch together and comment on the film in a private Slack channel.

For the curious, our reactions to the first four installments in the franchise are here. What follows is a lightly edited transcript of our conversation while watching Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers from 1989. Halloween 4 was a surprisingly enjoyable movie that was a soft-reboot of the franchise and had a twist ending that took the story in really dark, psychological direction. This movie is a direct sequel to that one, so we’ll see how it holds up to the promise of the fourth.

Hang tight as we dive in…

Jamie: Halloween 5. But no “Revenge” or “Michael Myers” in the title. Huh.

Shiri: Halloween 5: Yes, We’re Still Watching.

Jamie: This is like some Top Chef level knife work.

Shiri: “Tina” must be very important because her name is in quotation marks.

Jamie: This person is GOING TO TOWN on this pumpkin.

Shiri: Ugh, finally. Damn pumpkin.

Jamie: Just like II, we get a recap of the last movie. Just in case you forgot.

Shiri: I mean, I don’t remember which of the rednecks was “Cleetus,” so I, for one, am glad we’re reviewing. Oooh. I bet I know what happened. I bet his EVIL SPIRIT jumped into her while his body was recovering. And that is why she made with the stabby stabby.

Jamie: So if his evil spirit went to her, and he’s now floating down the river, does that mean he’s just a good guy now? A good guy in a creepy mask.

Shiri: Nah, just till he’s once more a viable vessel for the immortal spirit of sploosh. I’m sorry, but would’t they just assume he’s NOT dead at this point? He’s been shot 57 times, been in two explosions, fallen down a mineshaft, and into a river.

Jamie: Tell me this dude isn’t going to nurse him back to life.

Shiri: Why is there a pirate living in the middle of Illinois? Nah. The parrot will nurse him. Clearly, the parrot is the smarter of the two.

Jamie: FINALLY! There’s a goddamn children’s clinic in Haddonfield.

Shiri: My sister had that balloon lamp. SEE! She has Michael vision. Clearly possessed.

Jamie: Oh yeah, they’re psychically linked. I hate that.

Shiri: I mean, I hate it when my mind gets linked with that of a psychotic killer. It’s annoying and also gross.

Jamie: They could’ve taken this to a very dark and interesting place without the supernatural.

Shiri: Personally, I think the non-supernatural stuff is scarier.

Jamie: Also: her mom is alive? The nurse offered to call her. Or do you think it’s like 1-900-DEAD-MOM? Where it’s just an actress pretending to be your dead mom?

Shiri: Nurses do NOT scream like that. We are specifically trained NOT TO.

Jamie: Where the fuck did LOOMIS come from??

Shiri: What? This is the world’s most incompetent doctor. Also, psychiatrists don’t even know how to hold scalpels.

Jamie: Oh, Rachel the badass! I actually kind of admire that they really TRIED to keep continuity with these movies.

Shiri: The dog better not die.

Jamie: They all do. There hasn’t been a dog that made it.

Shiri: Why? Why in GOD’S NAME WOULD YOU GIVE THIS CHILD A HALLOWEEN COSTUME? AND WHY ARE THEY TRUSTING LOOMIS TO TAKE CARE OF A CHILD?

Jamie: Ah, the old brick through an 8-year-old’s window gag. I think Loomis has had a different accent in each movie. That’s impressive.

Shiri: Wait. Her stepmother? I thought it was her foster mom. I thought her dad died.

Jamie: What was that I said about continuity? Never mind. Ooh, 80s pop song montage!

Shiri: Oh no. She took off her pants.

Jamie: Yep. All sense gone. Have we seen Loomis do ANY doctoring in these movies? Oh god, Rachel is naked. She gonna die.

Shiri: I’d say this small town has a disproportionate number of mentally ill children in it, but . . . it is Haddonfield, IL. Is she . . . is she flirting with Loomis?

Jamie: She’s going downstairs, naked in a towel. She dead.

Shiri: At least it’s not a hotel blanket.

Jamie: Thank god for that.

Shiri: She’ll die but not with scabies.

Jamie: Now she’s running outside in that towel. This is not good. Does the Haddonfield PD ever change their uniforms? And WTF was up with that jokey carnival music for the cops??

Shiri: The short cop is the cop version of Bud the paramedic. I’d freak out if Loomis was breathing in my ear too. Why is Loomis wearing murder gloves?

Jamie: Dude, Loomis is psychotic.

Shiri: I am physically cringing at him being that close to a child. It’s creepier than Terrible Nurse licking Michael’s hand.

Jamie: Rachel, no! Put the shirt back on! How big is that closet that she didn’t notice a MAN standing behind the clothes??

Shiri: Why does she have to check out her butt to decide on a sweater? Also, she looked right at him twice.

Jamie: She had to make sure he hit his mark. It was probably Take 27.

Shiri: I doubt they did 27 takes of ANY scene in this movie. FOR THE SAKE OF ALL THAT IT IS HOLY, RACHEL, PUT ON SOME PANTS.

Jamie: Oh Rachel. Death 1. Because of the No Pants Rule.

Shiri: My parents had that rug, except it was light blue and dusty rose. And those doors. My parents also had that lamp. And those cabinets. And that stained glass. This house is so 80s.

Jamie: This was 1989. We all had all of this shit.

Shiri: It’s called a seizure, Loomis. You should have learned about them at doctor school. I sincerely hope Rachel’s friends are smarter than Laurie’s friends.

Jamie: Are we back to fastidious, clean-killing Michael? How can she not see any of Rachel’s blood?

Shiri: I’m confused. Are Tina and Rachel lesbians or just really good friends? Is she investigating or being sexy? I have a LOT of questions. Sammy looks familiar.

Jamie: Is Sammy the blonde? She looks like a young Reese Witherspoon. Jamie’s wearing Urkel pants. Even lying down, they’re hiked up to her shoulders. See? Tina knows what’s up. “They should ban Halloween in this town.” WHY THE FUCK HAVEN’T THEY??

Shiri: I want to shoot every man in this town.

Jamie: OMG, IT’S THE FONZ CROSSED WITH RICHARD BELZER!!!

Shiri: But at least we’re back to proper irresponsible boning. If they’re psychically linked, why didn’t Jamie know he was coming?

Jamie: I guess . . . she did? That’s why she woke up. By the way, this is the most daylight we’ve seen since the first movie.

Shiri: Also, how big is this fucking house?

Jamie: That’s one helluva basement in that house. This poor kid. I think she’s more terrified of Loomis than she is of Michael. Frankly, I am too.

Shiri: That’s right, Jamie. You kick the scary, gross man in the nuts. I would like that nurse to stab HIM in the back. Why is Loomis even allowed in there? Like, has no one called the medical board on this dude?

Jamie: “Dr. Loomis. Leave the little girl alone.” Finally, someone speaks some reason in this movie. Why is that house still standing? Why hasn’t the town bulldozed that shit to the ground??

Shiri: Why haven’t they razed the whole town and sprayed it down with holy water and napalm? This movie is evidence of the importance of handgun waiting periods.

Jamie: I told you, this whole franchise is an elaborate argument against the 2nd amendment.

Shiri: I wonder who’s in the picture on Loomis’s cane. Dude, it is BROAD daylight, why you messing with the lights?

Jamie: With the tip of your gun. That doesn’t seem safe.

Shiri: Well, people in these movies do like pointing guns where they can do the most bystander damage.

Jamie: Wow. Nobody sees him? He’s standing on the sidewalk in broad daylight.

Shiri: Look out, FONZ!

Jamie: The Fonz’s car is so going to get destroyed.

Shiri: That’s a shame. It’s a gorgeous car. I’m amazing he can fit in the drivers seat with that earring on. Oh no, it’s the fuzz!

Jamie: I love this duo. It’s like the uber stereotype of opposites. Leathered up bad boy and blonde goodie two shoes.

Shiri: I’m pretty sure the blonde guy’s name is Biff. Why is that earring so big, Jamie? WHY?

Jamie: Here we go! See? The car is the first to go. Ouch.

Shiri: That rake across the trunk was super satisfying, though.

Jamie: Death 2. Fonzie with the rake in the garage.

Shiri: Wait, did we switch franchises? I thought multi-prong metal instruments were the other guy?

Jamie: OMG, this romance between the two kids is ADORABLE!!

Shiri: WHOA! He’s giving her his ID bracelet. That was a THING. Also, I would like to state for the record, the romance between the 8-year-olds is the most MATURE relationship we’ve seen so far.

Jamie: Why do parents still let their kids dress up as clowns in this town. Fucking terrible parents.

Shiri: No one. Not a single one of these women has learned to put on pants.

Jamie: “Tina, Queen of Room Service.” Ugh. That is a fucking TERRIFYING mask. SO MUCH SCARIER THAN THE REGULAR MICHAEL MASK.

Shiri: I would NOT kiss that horrifying mask. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Jamie: At least she realized it was creepy

Shiri: And yet, she’s staying in the car.

Jamie: The little boy caught Jamie, stroked her face, and cared for her! These kids deserve their happily ever after.

Shiri: I mean, they’re crazy, but they get each other. And he is clearly the only man in the whole town who isn’t a creep.

Jamie: Fucking Loomis.

Shiri: How does Loomis know it’s Tina?

Jamie: And why does he keep expecting Jamie to talk? He’s an awful doctor.

Shiri: Ooooh. It’s the BOOB store.

Jamie: The COOKIE boob store.

Shiri: THAT’S where they all go on their 18th birthday. See, that the awful doctor who was going to slash a little girl’s throat totally unnecessarily knows where the cookie boobs are.

Jamie: “Damn, it’s the fuzz! I didn’t get the boobs! Leave me alone!!”

Shiri: “Tina! Stay where you are until we can get you some pants!” Really, Tina? You don’t believe that your utter creep of a boyfriend, even if that isn’t actually him, would leave you to take the hit with the cops?

Jamie: Did anyone find Rachel’s body yet?

Shiri: I’m wondering if Rachel is actually dead.

Jamie: Tina. You fuck-up.

Shiri: Who leaves a hysterical kid to bone? Oh wait. Everyone in this town. Literally everyone except the 9-year-old boy.

Jamie: That boy is in the hallway outside her bedroom. Did you notice?

Shiri: I did. he’s protecting her. Dogs and kids, man.

Jamie: If any harm befalls that boy, I riot. Who is this guy with the steeltoe boots?

Shiri: You’d think that, among other things, they’d have hired more competent cops. OMG. I suddenly want the exorcist cowboy to be Laurie. Because the COPS didn’t notice they were being tailed . . .

Jamie: Are we still only at 2 dead? Oh, 3 if you count the pirate in the shack at the beginning. OK, seriously. What is the gag with these cops? And why did this movie suddenly become a farce? Is this supposed to be tongue in cheek, breaking-the-fourth-wall shit?

Shiri: Why do people not live in cities? This shit doesn’t happen in cities. The ‘burbs are evil.

Jamie: They’re in a barn. This isn’t the ‘burbs.

Shiri: The country is even eviler than the burbs. This is why I don’t go camping.

Jamie: This is a cavernous barn, by the way.

Shiri: I was going to say. I mean, I’ve been in barns.

Jamie: Seriously, Sammy’s boyfriend needs to die. If for no other reason that his Joker giggle.

Shiri: Like, how do all the women not just up and leave this town?

Jamie: Jamie found herself a good one.

Shiri: EW. THEY’RE LICKING AGAIN. WHY WITH THE LICKING?

Jamie: Hay sex. It seems so uncomfortable. LIke, hay is NOT soft and comfy. Despite what cartoons would have us believe.

Shiri: FREE THE TITS SO WE CAN GET TO THE MURDERING!

Jamie: He needs the foreplay to last a while since the sex will be over in 5 seconds.

Shiri: I thought maybe he was going to redeem himself by going down on her, but I should have known better.

Jamie: Always practice safe sex. God bless the 80s.

Shiri: Okay, well. At least he had a condom.

Jamie: Ow. Her boyfriend got pitchforked while he was on top of – and inside of – her. That’s gotta be traumatic.

Shiri: Again. Multiple prongs are the other guy’s schtick.

Jamie: Deaths 4 and 5. Poor kids.

Shiri: FINALLY the SPLOOSH.

Jamie: Oh god, they’re going skinny dipping. It’s going to be a slaughter.

Shiri: Was that kitten licking up the blood?

Jamie: Kittens are agents of evil.

Shiri: Aw, Michael cleaned up. OOOH, VAMPIRES!

Jamie: Death 6 – policeman . . . or were they both in there?

Shiri: Both.

Jamie: So, 7, I guess. I really wanted them to die with carnival sound effects.

Shiri: Really, Michael? A rundown with the car? It’s like you’re not even trying anymore. BTW, I’m only like, 4/10 that Rachel’s dead.

Jamie: How much guilt is Tina feeling right now, do you think?

Shiri: Probably not enough.

Jamie: Do NOT let you guard down!

Shiri: Tina’s fucked. Like, how are we not automatically assuming Michael survived?

Jamie: Billy’s parents are SO GOING TO SUE the children’s clinic.

Shiri: Jamie’s going to survive. She has, at the very least, a semblance of pants.

Jamie: Tina with the sacrifice! Death 8, I suppose.

Shiri: Redemption for Tina.

Jamie: Goddamn it, Loomis. Why are you SO FUCKING USELESS?

Shiri: This poor kid.

Jamie: Jamie didn’t show this much emotion for Rachel. I’m so confused about that.

Shiri: I don’t think she knows Rachel is dead. Everyone thinks she went to meet her parents.

Jamie: “NOW are you willing to help me?” Dude, Loomis with the most inappropriately timed guilt trip. IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU, DICK FACE.

Shiri: I’m glad he keeps trying to talk to Michael. Solid plan, Loomis. If he spent this much time at the gun range, this would be wrapped up by now.

Jamie: Doubtful. He’s using Jamie as bait. This will end well.

Shiri: Haddonfield, IL: where we don’t have a SWAT team, so we call in the rednecks.

Jamie: HILLBILLIES, POSSE UP!! I think that cop is Larry Drake. Darkman.

Shiri: That line and triangle symbol is a rune. It means “thorn.”

Jamie: Stupid fucknut cop. Don’t send ALL YOUR MEN away.

Shiri: Wait . . . they DO have a SWAT team? Huh. Color me impressed.

Jamie: Death 9. Eddie the Cop. His squeals broadcast for the entire state police force to hear. Loomis is officially off the deep end.

Shiri: 10/10 would have used that opportunity to push Loomis down the stairs.

Jamie: I think Loomis is reaching him with his psychobabble! Oh, never mind.

Shiri: FINALLY!

Jamie: DIE LOOMIS DIE! Again with the rappelling off the side of the house?

Shiri: This cop seems to have achieved minimum competence. Look, no one does the door thing like Nicholson, and no one should try.

Jamie: Death 10 – the one competent cop in Haddonfield.

Shiri: This 9-year-old girl is literally the smartest person in town.

Jamie: There’s like 10 minutes left in the movie. Are we going to find out who Steeltoe Boots is?

Shiri: I’m telling you, it’s Laurie. See, that made sliding down a laundry chute markedly less fun that I always thought it would be.

Jamie: Yeah, I always pictured it as more fun and less bloody than that.

Shiri: And yes, I know technically it’s a coal shoot but same principle. WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE THIS KNIFE? It would cut murders in half if everyone stopped buying it. Did she just kick off the knife?

Jamie: This little girl is tough as shit.

Shiri: That is one badass child.

Jamie: She’s basically singlehandedly carried two movies. Who lit all those candles in the attic?

Shiri: I wonder if she was fucked up for years afterwards like the actress in Psycho. Urban legend says she only took baths for the rest of her life

Jamie: See? Dog bit it. Aaaand there’s Rachel.

Shiri: Aw man. Rachel actually is dead. That sucks.

Jamie: Without pants.

Shiri: See what happens when you take off your pants, Rachel? Death. Death is what happens when you take off your pants.

Jamie: Jamie LITERALLY just cried “uncle” and Michael stopped.

Shiri: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Didn’t . . . didn’t he get burned in a massive explosion?

Jamie: Psssh, that was 3 movies ago. He healed. OMG, please kill Loomis already.

Shiri: Oh, for fucks sake. Loomis is still alive?

Jamie: His utter disregard for children is at least consistent in every goddamn movie. He rigged up a Scooby Doo trap!

Shiri: I mean . . . I guess with a trank dart you’re not expecting him to die?

Jamie: Tranquilizers. He thought tranks would take him down?

Shiri: Clearly, he is not going to die. Bullets haven’t done it, and we’re putting our faith in a 2×4?

Jamie: Are Loomis and Michael going to kiss?

Shiri: I mean . . . it would check out. I’m sure that transport will go WAY better than the six so far.

Jamie: Why would they let him wear the mask in jail? Finally! Steeltoe! Some answers!

Shiri: I can’t help but notice NO ONE HAS CALLED JAMIE’S PARENTS.

Jamie: Oh, for fuck’s sake.

Shiri: What the fuck is even happening anymore?

Jamie: I have no idea. Seriously? WTF??

Shiri: Wait? That’s the END?!

Jamie: This is the first true cliffhanger ending of the franchise. Doesn’t it make you want to watch the next one RIGHT NOW?

Shiri: It . . . it kind of does. I was just about to say, now I kind of HAVE to watch the next one.

Jamie: I’m so confused. Who was Steeltoe? And what happened to Loomis? And why does everyone just keep leaving Jamie on her own? And will she get married to Billy in a beautiful wedding on the beach in Maui?

Shiri: HADDONFIELD ELKS LODGE OR GTFO.

Jamie: So, the next one was from . . . 1995? I think? So it took 7 years to resolve the cliffhanger. I think it’s supposed to connect to these, but I don’t know how. It’s the last one in this timeline.