Franchise Frenzy: Halloween II (2009)

There’s something amazing about huge, unwieldy movie franchises. Series that go north of five or six installments have staying power, even if they abandon all pretense of having “canon,” story continuity, or logic. Each has a certain something that helps it stand out and sustain so many films over so many years.

In the spirit of the season, we’re going back and taking a look at the ridiculously strong Halloween franchise that survived 11 movies, 40 years, 5 reboots/separate timelines, and more “dead” Michael Myerseses than you can count.

I’m joined by Shiri Sondheimer to watch all 11 films in the franchise. Neither of us has seen them before, and we watch together and comment on the film in a private Slack channel.

For the curious, our reactions to the first nine installments in the franchise are here. What follows is a lightly edited transcript of our conversation while watching Rob Zombie’s Halloween II from 2009.

If you’ve been following along, you know that the previous film – Rob Zombie’s 2007 remake of the original Halloween – was downright terrible in every conceivable way. It had no redeeming qualities and was something that a horror movie should never be: boring. It was godawful.

But here’s the thing. As bad as it is, the sequel is somehow even worse. In retrospect, the 2007 Halloween had some semblance of a plot and characters that acted in ways that made sense. It kind of, sort of fit into the franchise, even if it was entirely too violent. The sequel? It dispenses with all of that and makes us think that Rob Zombie had never actually seen a Halloween movie before making these.

Hang tight as we dive in…

Shiri: I did NOT get the unrated director’s cut. Because the last thing I needed was more of this.

Jamie: Jesus. Another epigraph.

Shiri: Oh no. MOAR flashbacks.

Jamie: Different actor for little Michael, but same Stripper Mom. This kid is not as inherently creepy as the other kid.

Shiri: “I miss you, honey. I’m dating another shitty guy and I need you to get rid of him for me.” Well, at least we only had to spend two minutes in the past this time.

Jamie: Thank god. At least we got to the “15 years later” MUCH faster this time.

Shiri: I mean, it was still two minutes too long but . . . I see we’re picking up where we left off.

Jamie: As the series is wont to do.

Shiri: Doesn’t that sheriff have a daughter to attend to?

Jamie: Yeah, she was naked and bleedy

Shiri: Oh, no. Sorry. This is Haddonfield. We just assume someone else is going to do it. Ugh. She’s screaming again.

Jamie: That’s all this Jamie does. It’s kind of charming in its own fucked-up, annoying way.

Shiri: I hate this Jamie. Please sedate her. Again, I inquire: Didn’t Loomis get his eyeballs poked out?

Jamie: Wait. I thought Loomis had no eyes?

Shiri: I see no evidence of poking or squishing or really any damage of any kind.

Jamie: Shouldn’t the doctors have cleaned out those wounds before suturing her up?

Shiri: Yes. Also, no one stands there and holds the ET tube. There are things that do that for you. So the surgical techs can, you know, be useful. That fake surgery was grosser than the actual surgeries I’ve seen. And I’ve watched them drill a hole in a dude’s skull. Like, I was actually in the room.

Jamie: This sheriff is actually kind of smart. In a preventive, “let’s be sure” kind of way.

Shiri: These guys are still going to end up in the river with the piranhas.

Jamie: They’re literally talking about fucking dead bodies. Of course they’re going to die. WTF! Ain’t no goddamn cow on earth would stop the van like that. Was it a concrete cow rebarred into the ground?

Shiri: Why . . . why we gotta bring some poor innocent cow into it? Seatbelts, kids.
Really, we’re on the “fuck” train again, huh?

Jamie: “Fuck” has been spoken more times than all other words combined already.

Shiri: Good. At least we’re back with the stabbing. I prefer a Michael with an MO. OOH. That was the best sploosh we’ve had in a while.

Jamie: And they conveniently left his mask on for him, I see.

Shiri: In fairness, they usually do.

Jamie: For all of the masked serial killers and movie monsters? That’s protocol?

Shiri: If the evidence as presented thus far is to be believed.

Jamie: Oh, you mean in the movies. I thought you meant in real life.

Shiri: Why do they keep playing bad 70s music? I have soft spot for “Don’t Fear the Reaper,” but beyond that . . .

Jamie: Hey now. “Knights in White Satin” is a decent song.

Shiri: Octavia’s name is Octavia. One nurse. One hallway. Murdering time.

Jamie: So . . . are we getting a remake of Halloween II now?

Shiri: Okay, here’s the thing. They don’t Halloween stitch people’s faces. They call plastics. Because people sue if they look like fucking Frankenstein. One nurse. Whole hospital.

Jamie: “Honey? I can see that you can’t put one foot in front of the other, but I’m gonna just leave you right here. I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

Shiri: “Nurse? I need something for my head.” A brain, Laurie. You need a brain.

Jamie: Also, yeah. Annie is totally going to be Frankenstein when she wakes up.

Shiri: He is FAST.

Jamie: Aw no. Octavia Spencer didn’t last long.

Shiri: This Michael does NOT waste time sauntering. In fairness, he’s also 8 feet tall. No, Michael. No grunting. QUIET.

Jamie: Sooooo . . . dismemberments are now his thing?

Shiri: Also, this Michael is far too messy. FAR TOO MESSY.

Jamie: He is NOT FASTIDIOUS at all.

Shiri: I feel like this is supposed to be an homage to the same thing the hallway fight scene in Daredevil was homaging, but it sucks.

Jamie: If we’re remaking Halloween II, I sure hope we get another Ripley.

Shiri: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? I think they’re using the same building for the hospital as they did for the sanitarium.

Jamie: OK, so. She shot him in the head at the end of the last one, right? So is he a supernatural killer again? Because I thought the HOUR FUCKING LONG examination of his childhood showed that he wasn’t.

Shiri: Maybe he’s like Darth Maul? The HATE keeps him alive. Maybe someone will cut him in half and shove him down a reactor shaft.

Jamie: Is that Wilford Brimley?

Shiri: I was hoping that would be LL Cool J back for a cameo. AH! WE HAVE A NEW BUD!!!

Jamie: Will someone lick this guy, though?

Shiri: Michael will. I don’t understand the geography of this hospital.

Jamie: All of Haddonfield exists as an MC Escher painting. Why is “Knights in White Satin” on infinite loop? Is this the Moody Blues channel?

Shiri: God, these people die so noisily.

Jamie: You do love the sploosh. You should love these movies.

Shiri: It’s not sploosh, though. It’s grunting. I hate grunting.

Jamie: You know what? Jamie Lee Curtis spent most of Halloween II silent in a hospital bed. Can we get more of that vibe from THIS Laurie Strode?

Shiri: QUICK, THROW THE MOODY BLUES AT HIM! Jesus, did he just flashback in a flashback us? And also why does everyone have 35-year-old televisions? It’s not retro; it’s dumb.

Jamie: So, the Moody Blues are our signal that we’re in a dream? I don’t get it. Did that hospital escape really happen? Or was it just a dream? We’re a year later, but I don’t know what – if anything – of what we just saw was true. Did they think this fake-out “Ha ha, we’re not REALLY remaking Halloween II! Psych!” was clever somehow? It’s just confusing.

Shiri: I don’t know, but a tramp stamp does not make this Laurie badass.

Jamie: Annie’s Frankenstein scars healed up nicely.

Shiri: Is Annie the sheriff’s daughter or his wife?

Jamie: In this town, they might be one and the same.

Shiri: lol. SHE HAD A BAD EXPERIENCE, SO NOW SHE IS GOTH. WITH THE HOLES IN THE JEANS AND THE KISS AND THE ALICE COOPER AND THE WHITE GIRL DREADS.

Jamie: Her psychiatrist is Lois Lane!!!!

Shiri: Awww. Lois

Jamie: She looks a LOT like Carrie Fisher. Huh.

Shiri: Also, therapist, Michael is 10/10 not dead.

Jamie: It’s been a year since her parents and all her friends were brutally murdered. I’m thinking “closure” might not be what she needs right now. I feel like it might take her a little longer to get past that. Yeah, Loomis? 100% not blind.

Shiri: I’m so confused. Didn’t Michael stick his thumbs IN HIS EYEBALLS AND POP THEM?

Jamie: Yes. Yes he did. Also, “What up, dick-a-lickers?” is now firmly in my lexicon. As is “check out my lady lumps.”

Shiri: I’m a fan. Ooooh. Loomis scored a Halloween book launch.

Jamie: OK, see? If you spend a FUCKING HOUR with a young Michael in your first movie and you can’t get the same actor for the second movie, DON’T INCLUDE HIM IN THE MOVIE.

Shiri: That kid is WAY younger.

Jamie: Ooh. This Loomis is angry.

Shiri: Did Loomis get brain damage when his eyes apparently didn’t get poked out?

Jamie: All the Loomises were born with brain damage, I think. Michael looks like fucking Hagrid in this movie.

Shiri: Nope. This isn’t Oedipal. Not at all. Tight white dress on stripper mom. Oh! Beardy dude on the truck was on Sons of Anarchy. Do they . . . do they have a rack of antlers on the front of their truck? Is that a thing people actually do?

Jamie: Hillbilly posses do, apparently. #maga

Shiri: There is no way all of that hair and all of that beard fits under that mask.

Jamie: See? There was a purpose for those antlers.

Shiri: Honestly, I think Michael is doing hillbilly lady a favor massacring those guys.

Jamie: I’m ashamed we didn’t see that coming.

Shiri: Same. We should know better by now. Well, she’s fucked. She’s not wearing pants. At least one thing has remained consistent.

Jamie: Why wasn’t she wearing pants?

Shiri: Hell if I know.

Jamie: And you’re right. Michael should NOT be grunting while doing his slashy business.

Shiri: Silent and fastidious.

Jamie: I wonder if Rob Zombie had even seen any of the Halloween movies.

Shiri: I feel like he “studied” them but didn’t watch them? And also, that he doesn’t have a soul or any sense of humor or irony.

Jamie: These movies have zero concept of the character or what . . . “made” Michael Myers. Hey, he killed and ate the dog. That’s on point, at least.

Shiri: No. No, he can’t be an immortal serial killer and a cannibal. That just isn’t right.

Jamie: And he and Laurie are somehow psychically linked now?

Shiri: Y tho? This is not an acid trip. Acid trips are fun. I’m told. This is some bullshit trying to be freakass and actually being boring. Laurie, turn your damn TV off. Ew. Playah Loomis is nasty.

Jamie: Not only is Loomis totally out of character, but he’s not even in character from the previous movie. Like, this is a totally different character.

Shiri: I do not understand this character evolution.

Jamie: “When I want your opinion, I’ll beat it out of you” is not a thing Loomis would ever say.

Shiri: Also, it’s 2009 and no one had radios like that anymore. No one had radios anymore.

Jamie: GODDAMN! The candy corn is back!!

Shiri: Let us pray that the circus peanuts do not also resurrect themselves.

Jamie: Are you fucking kidding me? With. This. Shit.

Shiri: Man, if I had a quarter for every time I had a psychic dream about a serial killer while I was taking a piss.

Jamie: What is even happening?

Shiri: Oh my god, if the last one was taking ONE for the team, this is taking like, six for the team. I stand corrected. Being shorter does not make this less painful. Again, Zombie, they’ve lost his body like, 75 times. Honor your franchise. This town has more strip clubs per capita than Portland, and that’s saying something.

Jamie: Why was this stripper dancing? There’s no one in the club. It looks closed.

Shiri: . . . Re . . . hearsal? Did that guy just throw a cigarette near a propane tank? And yet, he’s going to get stabbed.

Jamie: Splooshily.

Shiri: Why do people in these two have such giant teeth? “Jagoff” is Pittsburghese. They don’t say it anywhere else.

Jamie: Where do they say “Hit the bricks, Dorothy”?

Shiri: Kansas? May I also protest that we have seen far too much of Michael’s face in these two as well? We went 30 years without seeing his face. It was part of the mystique.

Jamie: Oh. She’s naked. She dead.

Shiri: Nips. She dead. Oooh. Black light effects. We fancy now.

Jamie: Did he just say, “I’ve been in ‘Nam”?

Shiri: I don’t know, but that boob tat must have hurt like hell. So. Much. Screaming. And like, not the good Jamie Lee Curtis kind.

Jamie: This Michael is just not neat at all. I can’t get behind his killing.

Shiri: Same. Is he going to sweep up that glass? No. Rude.

Jamie: Wow, this scene must’ve been a bitch to film. She was naked and getting slammed against a glass wall.

Shiri: Who still had a rotary phone in 2009? I think he’s trying to give it a retro aesthetic, but it just looks dumb.

Jamie: I don’t understand. Why is this Loomis so famous and popular?

Shiri: I THINK we’re supposed to believe it’s a cult of personality thing like with Michael in the originals, but it’s not working because there was no transition. It’s an entirely different character with the same name.

Jamie: What is in this book that’s making everyone go crazy?

Shiri: Did she not know she was his sister?

Jamie: I guess no one ever told her? Which seems like something that should’ve come up in therapy with Lois Lane.

Shiri: I . . . almost wish I cared? Almost.

Jamie: This girl’s confusion at Laurie is my whole aesthetic right now.

Shiri: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. FUCKING HARDWICK. GROSSS.

Jamie: Chris . . . Hardwick? Wow. They got Hardwick and Weird Al for cameos. Was Zombie going for the geek cred with this one?

Shiri: “I endured misery of my own. I didn’t get my eyeballs poked out.”

Jamie: Do you think we’ll get Weird Al and Hardwick death scenes?

Shiri: I wouldn’t mind watching Hardwick get splooshed.

Jamie: I did not expect these girls to be Laurie’s moral center. OK, never mind.

Shiri: Are they characters from Rocky Horror or The Craft?

Jamie: Why is there a random stripper on stage behind the band at this party? That’s not a strip club.

Shiri: I don’t know, but it appears we’ll get to test our nipple piercing theory.

Jamie: There are lots of nips out at this party. “The shaggin’ wagon.” They’re totally going to die.

Shiri: The wolf man sounds suspiciously like Seth Green. Which would be hilarious.

Jamie: Why? Why did she keep kissing his wolfman mask?

Shiri: I think she’s supposed to be kinky.

Jamie: Ya think?

Shiri: THESE QUICK CUTS ARE VERY DRAMATIC. Sweet baby jeebus, there’s still 35 minutes left.

Jamie: Whoa. Did he just strangle her? Like, no blood at all? Great. Now Laurie’s been roofied. OK. The first movie at least had a semblance of a plot and characters that made sense. This movie . . . doesn’t.

Shiri: That’s what you get from toking when you’re supposed to be keeping an eye on your boss’s kid, Deputy. Dear Rob Zombie, the Vaseline on the lens doesn’t make it scary; it just makes it blurry.

Jamie: Michael is an 8-foot-tall Sasquatch. Ain’t no way he was hiding behind that sapling.

Shiri: Why is there a record skipping? A of all, who had records in 2009? B of all, why? That’s annoying. At least Annie put up a good fight. Unlike some Lauries I could mention.

Jamie: How is Annie still alive? That room is painted in her blood.

Shiri: He left her alive AGAIN? Annie is a badass.

Jamie: Because she was Jamie Lloyd in a former life. I feel bad for that girl. She didn’t even want to go out.

Shiri: “I wasn’t even supposed to be here today.”

Jamie: Also, I’d like to point out that of his 2,014 kills in this movie, only TWO have been boning adjacent. Again, not in keeping with the franchise.

Shiri: OH my god, just let poor Annie die already. I feel like even a bad slasher flick should not be this boring.

Jamie: Looking back, even Resurrection and Curse of Michael Myers had plots.

Shiri: Remember how bad we thought Curse of Michael Myers was? Man, we were so naive. I feel bad for the sheriff, though. Daughter filled with chocolate sauce. That’s got to be rough.

Jamie: Everyone who didn’t get to see her blood-soaked tatas last time gets a second chance now, though.

Shiri: Does that mean they’ve all done it by the book now? Did you know Illinois had a bayou? I didn’t know that.

Jamie: It’s where Lincoln grew up.

Shiri: Get up, Laurie. Old Laurie would never wuss out like that. Old Laurie is in her 60s, and she kicks more ass than you. If some serial killer was chasing you, would you calmly get in the car with some rando? Because I would not calmly get in the car with some rando.

Jamie: She’s not the sharpest tack in the toolbox.

Shiri: Oh man. She’s filled with chocolate sauce too. There’s the problem.