I come here not to praise the third prequel but to bury it.

My son and I suffered through Revenge of the Sith last night, partially because he’d never seen it and it’s the movie’s 15th anniversary today, partially because you can now change the font of your subtitles in Disney+.

And truthfully, Anakin petulantly yelling “I hate you!” in Comic Sans is the most fitting rendition of that moment in Star Wars history.

George Lucas had a vision for the prequels. One that was carefully planned out. It had to be, as reliant as it was on CGI characters and set pieces. But oddly, as meticulous as he was with the arc of the entire prequel series, sequential time was the plot element that suffered the most. That’s especially evident in Revenge of the Sith.

Trying to make a realistic timeline out of the prequel trilogy is already difficult, but by the time we get to Revenge, it’s impossible to believe that George hadn’t decided to chuck it all out the window and drive hard to the end, no matter what. That’s most evident when you look at the fridging event central to the movie and Anakin’s downfall.

Padme’s Magical Pregnancy

OK, not “magical.” There was no Darth Plagueis Midichlorian conception (as our old pal Sheev’s story at the space opera implied was behind Anakin’s birth). Some major space-bangin’ was going on.

But while Luke and Leia in vitro weren’t magical twins, they certainly had the quickest gestation period of any human baby in existence. Revenge of the Sith takes place over a few days. At least three, because we have Anakin’s sweaty nightmare that starts his whole path to the Dark Side. Then there’s Anakin’s appointment to the Jedi Council, his subsequent fall, and the burning of the Temple (which might only happen in one day?). And finally there’s the day ol’ Palpy declares himself Emperor.

So three, maybe four, extremely action-packed days. At the beginning of which, Padme lets Anakin know she’s pregnant. Hysterically, Anakin is surprised by the news, especially since she’s visibly showing at this point. So it’s been several months since the two of them have seen each other.

But has it been 9? The Clone Wars cartoon takes place from 22 BBY (Before Battle of Yavin) until 19 BBY, the year Revenge takes place. Anakin and Padme have plenty of interactions in that time, and at no point is she pregnant (well, until Season 7, but Dave Filoni has said that takes place concurrently with the final prequel).

All of this is to say, it’s either been a very long time since Padme and Anakin saw each other or Padme goes from just showing to “pregnant enough for others to notice” (Obi Wan’s “Is Anakin the father?” line proves that) in just three days.

Vader’s Rise

All this could be forgiven if Lucas had given himself a little more slack at the end of Revenge. As the battle on Mustafar finishes and Padme is whisked away to safety, he could have drawn out the time frame. It could have been months between that final battle and the birth of Padme’s twins.

But no, ol’ George loves himself some parallelism. So when Sheev scrapes up his apprentice from the black (apparently not hot at all… or he’s wearing an asbestos cloak) sands of Mustafar, we’re off to the races. Again, George could have given himself an out, here. It’s not like Palpatine had the plans and parts for Vader’s prosthetics and armor just laying around; it would take time to design.

But instead, Padme is rushed to a labor room (with the most unsettling birth droid ever – I’ll never forget the look of horror on my son’s face as I explained what its giant scoopy hand was for), and Anakin immediately starts getting fitted with his evil stompy boots.

By the time Padme’s dead of “a broken heart” (which is phenomenally stupid for its own reasons and deserves another entire article about how shitty medical technology is in Star Wars), she’s given birth to two full-term babies. Oh, and Anakin is fully armored up in what’s been an equally rapid medical procedure, especially since Padme had a head start on him.

Why? Because the plot dictated that, at the end of the prequel trilogy, two things had to be in place: Darth Vader and Force Babies Luke and Leia (who should have totally gotten their own Muppet Babies-style animated series). And since the movie only takes place over three days, we’ll just toss out the pesky parts of human biology that make that impossible.

You Were the Chosen One?

Is it petty to kick a movie with so many other failings while it’s down? Probably. But it’s because of its paper-thin plotting, poor acting, and ramrod pacing that errors like this shine bright, especially upon rewatching.

It’s been 15 years since my one and only viewing of Revenge, and I was hoping that my criticism of the film would have dulled over time – that I would view it more favorably after The Clone Wars worked so hard to salvage a broken series of films.

If anything, I viewed Revenge more critically and in a harsher light because others have come along and shown what amazing things can be done with the same characters, in the same time period.

Lucas’s vision for the prequels was a bold one, taking Darth Vader and turning him into a tragic hero. But as is the case so often with Star Wars films, Lucas’s visions are best left in the hands of others. In this case, slavishly hewing to a ridiculously short timeline distracts the viewer and undercuts the movie’s finale.

Drawing out the fall of the Republic and the turning of Anakin over a period of months instead of days would have made more sense and given the plot a chance to breathe. Instead, we’re left with this giant gut-punch of a film.

Sorry, Revenge of the Sith, but I won’t be revisiting you again.